Joshua was a very, very bad sleeper. I don't think I got more than five hours of continuous sleep during his first year of life.
I remember the shock and envy I felt when, during our birthing class reunion, one of the mommies shared that her baby had been sleeping for 15 hours straight since day 1.
Meanwhile, my own child woke up every 1-2 hours to feed for 30-45 minutes. There were also nights that he would cry incessantly -- and when Joshua cried, it was not a soft, pitiful whimper. It was a full-blown wailing. If you happened to overhear it, you would think he was being tortured.
One particular night was the worst of them all. He just wouldn't stop crying. We tried everything -- breastfeeding, changing his nappy, making sure the temperature was ok, checking if he was hurt, rocking him, swaying him back and forth, placing him skin-to-skin, moving his legs in a cycle-motion to relieve gas.
Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, I decided to move him to the couch downstairs. There, we both finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
All throughout his first year, I asked so many people for advice, and read so many internet articles. We were desperate so we tried almost every method.
So I decided to write about our experiences with some of the methods. Here's hoping it will help some desperate first time mom out there :)
1. Cry It Out or Extinction
This was recommended by a missionary church friend early on in my pregnancy. She warned me that it was not for the faint of heart, as it involved leaving baby to just cry it out until he or she is so exhausted that she will just go to sleep.
"These people place babies in their cribs at a certain time, after a certain routine, and don’t interfere until the next morning. No matter how much the babies scream or cry, parents ignore them. After all, if babies learn that tantrums lead to the appearance of a loved one, they will continue that behavior in the future."
Our experience:
Call me a wuss, but after 30 minutes to an hour of hearing Joshua crying, I couldn't stand it anymore. They all said he would get tired eventually and just doze off. But Josh didn't. The crying would die down, but then he'd rev up and start all over again. Plus -- even with the aircon turned on, he would work up a sweat. I mean, what kind of mother would I be to allow my baby to get drenched in sweat and tears and not do anything about it?
Plus, there was the guilt that I might be inflicting long term emotional scars on him by acting so heartless early on in his life. Josh and I were clearly ill-matched to this method.
2. Graduated Extinction
This one is a version of Cry It Out that does it gradually.
"Parents allow their infant to cry it out for a longer period each night, until infants eventually put themselves to sleep. On the first night, for instance, parents might commit to not entering the baby’s room for five minutes. The next night, 10 minutes. Then 15, and so on. Or, they could increase the increments on progressive checks each night. When they do go in the room, it’s only to check and make sure the baby is O.K. — no picking up or comforting. This isn’t meant to be a reward for crying, but to allow parents to be assured that nothing is wrong."
I suppose we could have tried this out, but after getting traumatized, and feeling like monsters for leaving so Joshua hurt and helpless -- we wanted nothing to do with any form of the Cry It Out method.
Don't get me wrong, there are some parents who have used this and it works perfectly fine for them. Not for us, though.
3. Bedtime Fading
"The point of this plan is to teach your children how to fall asleep on their own at bedtime, in the hope that if they develop this skill, when they wake up in the middle of the night they’ll choose to employ it rather than call for you. With fading, you temporarily set bedtime later than usual and preface it with a good bedtime routine. Your babies learn that bedtime is fun, and have little trouble falling asleep because they’re more tired than usual. Then you move their bedtime earlier and earlier, so that infants learn how to put themselves to sleep when they are less and less tired."
This is actually the first time that I have learned of this method. In many ways, this is what we had employed that actually worked for us.
Our bedtime routine went like this: my husband would play a lullaby, we would say our goodnights, give kisses, exchanged hugs. Josh would take a bath or wash up, brush his teeth, and say a prayer. Of course, this wasn't an overnight success. We had to do it with him consistently for it to work. But now, it happens like clockwork, and -- depending still on how tired he is -- he falls asleep quickly.
Do note that we were only able to do this now that he is older. I'm not sure if it would have worked when he was less than a year old. But I will try it with the twins.
4. Scheduled Awakenings
"In this method, a parent tries to disrupt spontaneous awakening by getting up in the middle of the night to wake children 15 to 30 minutes before they usually wake up on their own. They then help the baby fall back asleep. The scheduled awakenings are later phased out."
I read about this in my desperate research to find something that would work for Josh. But again, it wasn't for me. Josh always woke up randomly. And he woke up very easily. A slight footfall would wake him up. My husband and I had to tiptoe and whisper around him a lot while he was sleeping.
So there was never any telling when he would wake up.
The main lesson I learned from all of this is that there no one best method. IT REALLY IS A TRIAL AND ERROR THING. What works for some babies might not work for your child. No need to beat yourself about it, or to condemn other parents for choosing a different baby sleep style.
According to the New York Times:
"The good news is that almost all interventions work. In 2006, a systematic review was published in the journal Sleep that examined all the relevant research on the efficacy of these interventions. Ninety-four percent of the 52 reviewed studies found that the interventions led to improved sleep, and more than 80 percent of children who were treated improved significantly.
More important, none caused any concerning levels of stress. This confirmed the findings of two previous studies that found that infant sleep problems, and the interventions used to remedy them, do not predict long-term outcomes, even at 6 years of age."
Having said that, there are some other tips that I would recommend:
1. Use a swaddle - apparently, a swaddle mimics the tight, warm, cozy conditions in the womb and helps prevent the startle reflex that wakes up baby.
2. Black-out the lights - the room must be pitch dark to help the baby differentiate between waking hours and sleeping hours.
3. Use lavender oil - this one I learned about recently from two mommy groups I was a part of. Dab on baby's ankles as a bedtime routine, and it is supposed to work wonders. Totally trying this out with the twins.
Meanwhile, my own child woke up every 1-2 hours to feed for 30-45 minutes. There were also nights that he would cry incessantly -- and when Joshua cried, it was not a soft, pitiful whimper. It was a full-blown wailing. If you happened to overhear it, you would think he was being tortured.
One particular night was the worst of them all. He just wouldn't stop crying. We tried everything -- breastfeeding, changing his nappy, making sure the temperature was ok, checking if he was hurt, rocking him, swaying him back and forth, placing him skin-to-skin, moving his legs in a cycle-motion to relieve gas.
Finally, in the wee hours of the morning, I decided to move him to the couch downstairs. There, we both finally fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.
All throughout his first year, I asked so many people for advice, and read so many internet articles. We were desperate so we tried almost every method.
So I decided to write about our experiences with some of the methods. Here's hoping it will help some desperate first time mom out there :)
1. Cry It Out or Extinction
This was recommended by a missionary church friend early on in my pregnancy. She warned me that it was not for the faint of heart, as it involved leaving baby to just cry it out until he or she is so exhausted that she will just go to sleep.
"These people place babies in their cribs at a certain time, after a certain routine, and don’t interfere until the next morning. No matter how much the babies scream or cry, parents ignore them. After all, if babies learn that tantrums lead to the appearance of a loved one, they will continue that behavior in the future."
Our experience:
Call me a wuss, but after 30 minutes to an hour of hearing Joshua crying, I couldn't stand it anymore. They all said he would get tired eventually and just doze off. But Josh didn't. The crying would die down, but then he'd rev up and start all over again. Plus -- even with the aircon turned on, he would work up a sweat. I mean, what kind of mother would I be to allow my baby to get drenched in sweat and tears and not do anything about it?
Plus, there was the guilt that I might be inflicting long term emotional scars on him by acting so heartless early on in his life. Josh and I were clearly ill-matched to this method.
2. Graduated Extinction
This one is a version of Cry It Out that does it gradually.
"Parents allow their infant to cry it out for a longer period each night, until infants eventually put themselves to sleep. On the first night, for instance, parents might commit to not entering the baby’s room for five minutes. The next night, 10 minutes. Then 15, and so on. Or, they could increase the increments on progressive checks each night. When they do go in the room, it’s only to check and make sure the baby is O.K. — no picking up or comforting. This isn’t meant to be a reward for crying, but to allow parents to be assured that nothing is wrong."
I suppose we could have tried this out, but after getting traumatized, and feeling like monsters for leaving so Joshua hurt and helpless -- we wanted nothing to do with any form of the Cry It Out method.
Don't get me wrong, there are some parents who have used this and it works perfectly fine for them. Not for us, though.
3. Bedtime Fading
"The point of this plan is to teach your children how to fall asleep on their own at bedtime, in the hope that if they develop this skill, when they wake up in the middle of the night they’ll choose to employ it rather than call for you. With fading, you temporarily set bedtime later than usual and preface it with a good bedtime routine. Your babies learn that bedtime is fun, and have little trouble falling asleep because they’re more tired than usual. Then you move their bedtime earlier and earlier, so that infants learn how to put themselves to sleep when they are less and less tired."
This is actually the first time that I have learned of this method. In many ways, this is what we had employed that actually worked for us.
Our bedtime routine went like this: my husband would play a lullaby, we would say our goodnights, give kisses, exchanged hugs. Josh would take a bath or wash up, brush his teeth, and say a prayer. Of course, this wasn't an overnight success. We had to do it with him consistently for it to work. But now, it happens like clockwork, and -- depending still on how tired he is -- he falls asleep quickly.
Do note that we were only able to do this now that he is older. I'm not sure if it would have worked when he was less than a year old. But I will try it with the twins.
4. Scheduled Awakenings
"In this method, a parent tries to disrupt spontaneous awakening by getting up in the middle of the night to wake children 15 to 30 minutes before they usually wake up on their own. They then help the baby fall back asleep. The scheduled awakenings are later phased out."
I read about this in my desperate research to find something that would work for Josh. But again, it wasn't for me. Josh always woke up randomly. And he woke up very easily. A slight footfall would wake him up. My husband and I had to tiptoe and whisper around him a lot while he was sleeping.
So there was never any telling when he would wake up.
The main lesson I learned from all of this is that there no one best method. IT REALLY IS A TRIAL AND ERROR THING. What works for some babies might not work for your child. No need to beat yourself about it, or to condemn other parents for choosing a different baby sleep style.
According to the New York Times:
"The good news is that almost all interventions work. In 2006, a systematic review was published in the journal Sleep that examined all the relevant research on the efficacy of these interventions. Ninety-four percent of the 52 reviewed studies found that the interventions led to improved sleep, and more than 80 percent of children who were treated improved significantly.
More important, none caused any concerning levels of stress. This confirmed the findings of two previous studies that found that infant sleep problems, and the interventions used to remedy them, do not predict long-term outcomes, even at 6 years of age."
Having said that, there are some other tips that I would recommend:
1. Use a swaddle - apparently, a swaddle mimics the tight, warm, cozy conditions in the womb and helps prevent the startle reflex that wakes up baby.
2. Black-out the lights - the room must be pitch dark to help the baby differentiate between waking hours and sleeping hours.
3. Use lavender oil - this one I learned about recently from two mommy groups I was a part of. Dab on baby's ankles as a bedtime routine, and it is supposed to work wonders. Totally trying this out with the twins.
