Sigh.

It's just that this dress costs just as much as my entire wedding. 

Whatever is Lovely

I've been hanging a lot with my girls Alice, Reema, and Carolina lately.

But the most time I've spent is with Jenny. My girl Jenny. 

Friday

I'm so emotional today. This made me cry. 

Vintage Stamps

For our invitation :)

Blessed By His Heart

Today we had a mini-tampuhan in his car. You know, I really can't stay mad at him for long because he is so gracious and it makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Also, early in the morning, Jotham forwarded to me how the Lord is speaking to him about work -- and how  he was convicted because he felt he has strayed somewhat from his main purpose as  a financial advisor.  

I am so blessed by his heart. 

Fastforward Please

Last night when we talked on the phone, I mentioned that I would want to have dinner ready for you when you get home, once we are married. 

And my heart was just ever-so excited at the prospect of caring for you that way -- cooking for you, welcoming you with a hug, loving you with small gestures.

I wish we could fastforward to March 24. I can't wait. By God's grace, we'll get there, and we'll be blessed by the journey heading towards it, and be even more blessed by the adventure of marriage. I love you!  

The Invitation

I am over the mooooon. I feel a tingle of excitement today, which is new, because so far the wedding preps have really felt like a ton of work.

And it's all because I've already gotten a glimpse of our wedding invite. More than even my wedding dress, I love details like the invitation, and the escort cards, and the table setting, and the guest book, and all the decors.

My talented cousin Hya designed the invite especially for us and it's soooooo cute. I rarely, if ever, get so swoony about anything these days. But aaaaaaaack. It's just so nice and vintage-y but all at once modern, and quirky.

I think that maybe it's because I've spent so much time poring over pegs on Pinterest of beautiful weddings, planning, and planning and planning on  how to incorporate these ideas into our wedding. And now, for the first time, I have the fruit of all that work -- this tangible, real thing, that's actually got our names on it.  

Thank you Lord, that you have blessed us with such wonderful people, who are slowly, but surely, making this wedding become real! 

Mini Fight

Tonight we had a small argument over the phone about the printing of my ID for Summit Media checks.

 I was so mad and  you were so stubborn as well. It was only after putting down the phone that I realized how selfish and unreasonable  I was being.

When I looked at my phone you messaged me that you wanted to talk and that you didn't want to sleep in a state of anger and unforgiveness.

You know, that's one of the things that I am really grateful for, for you. I hate it when we are fighting. I can't sleep when we're not okay. Thank you that you always take the lead, in getting us to talk to each other again.

I love you. 

Holding Hands

The preps for the marriage -- especially the part about looking for a wedding gown overwhelmed me today. I didn't count on it to be this nerve-wracking. I think I've put unnecessary pressure on myself, because I want to look my best.

It's been whole while since I've felt that. These days, I just get up, and take a bath, and dress up -- I don't even put make-up on anymore. I think I may have forgotten how to get all dolled up. Things have happened that allowed me to be more or less comfortable in my own skin.

In any case, I'm wrong for allowing such a thing as a wedding gown to make me worry and lose my focus on the Lord.

Tonight,  Jotham was so kind. Though I know it was difficult for him to say it, and to do it -- he missed Monday night basketball just so he could bring me home. I know how special that time is for him.

I know it must have pained him  -- the idea of missing a night out with his friends, to spend time with his moody fiancee. But still, he offered.

He also held my hand when we drove to Greenhills, and I really appreciated that. It reminded me of our first year together, when he insisted on holding my hand the whole time he drove.

I hope and pray that I will be able to make you feel as loved as you make me feel -- by giving up things that matter to me so that I can be there for you. I want to be by your side even if you get grumpy -- which you never are.

I hope and pray that even when we get old and wrinkly, time will still find us holding each other's hands. 

Beautifully New Everyday

Last night was what F. Scott Fitzgerald would call, "a dark night of the soul." 

Though now that I am a Christian, it could never be as bad as when I didn't know the hope that I have in the Lord. 

But last night was devastating, nonetheless. 

Married friends always tell us to expect fights to erupt in this wedding planning stage, and I've taken all warnings with a grain of salt. I thought to myself, "Jotham and I would never fight about something as silly as wedding plans. We're too sensible for that." 

What I didn't count on, was the fact that taking on this task of preparing for the ceremony that would mark the beginning of a whole new season in life, would stir up SO MUCH EMOTION. 

And that I would bring much of these emotions into simple matters such as our caterer. Can you imagine? A big fight because of the caterer. Truth be told, for me (and for many women as well), issues will never be just about the present matter. There's a whole lot of pent up issues -- past hurts, disappointments, and anger that have been shelved. They all come bubbling up, and then they explode, just because of the slightest trigger. 

Women are crazy. I remember that quote from Will and Grace, "She's crazy. And just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, there's a crazy underground garage." 

And so it was that I spent most of Sunday night crying in the dark. 

But with the dawn came God's mercies, which are new every morning. 

In the morning, we asked for each other's forgiveness, and held on to the hope that the Lord will see us through this. 

I was in the office when Jotham texted me, "I've added to my vow today." 

And I just about lost it. 

Thank you Lord for giving me this man, who does things like add to his vows after a night that revealed how imperfect his future wife is. 

Please Lord

I pray that in the wake of supertyphoon Yolanda, you draw all men closer to You. 

Pamamanhikan

Bow. 

How To Kneel

If Jotham and I had it our way, the engagement would have been a private affair -- with only select close friends and family knowing about it. But as fate would have it, he planned to ask me to marry him on the night of  his birthday, which he thought he would be celebrating with just me, over dinner.

I of course did not know this, and the "intimate dinner" I had planned for him, was actually a full-blown Jollibee kiddie party, complete with my family, our teacher friends, and several students. If I had a choice, I would not have chosen to be proposed to at Jollibee. But it is what it is, and I now realize it couldn't have gone better.

Jotham later on said that he was concerned about how he would document the proposal, seeing as there was only the two of us in the dinner. He need not have worried. At least five cameras either videotaped or photographed the actual moment he proposed.

Later in the evening, my sister posted both a photo and video of the proposal, and to my utter disbelief it has had almost 300 likes and 90+ comments on Facebook. And these are some people I've not seen or talked to in years.

I feel really blessed that -- even for a tiny second -- these people shared in our joy.

With the all the congratulatory messages, my friend Erika's message somehow got buried underneath it all. It was only today, after a cursory glance at my message inbox, did I see it.

It made me tear up a bit.

"Not sure if my initial message via mobile registered... just in case...

Was just musing with Paw over Max's about your engagement; little did we know it was happening for real at Jollibee's. Pinoy na pinoy. MABUHAY!

The Mabuhay reference is not without irony (of the positive sort).

As someone who witnessed the travails of a woman of woe, I am awed by how God is greatly to be praised.

Was all that unnecessary? Surely it was not desired for you.

Was it--as the likes of Mr. Calasanz and the venerable Padre Ferriols would call it--a detour?

No way to know, but the heart understands that there is much to be grateful for.

For when grace did transform the "inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" so did grace bring a truly good and just as beautiful man, both of whom are of great worth in God's sight.

May your relationship bring witnesses to their knees before the unfathomable glory of God!

Toasting your engagement,

Kang"

It is the best among the whole lot of congratulatory  messages I received because it captures perfectly the trajectory that my life has been on until now. More than anybody else, Erika is able to see God's hand in this love story, because she was with me during lowest valleys of my life.

And I am just grateful that God is glorified in this. I will be forever humbled, and grateful, and brought to my knees, overwhelmed by His grace, made so real in my life. 

Perfect Love

Along with the excitement and dreaminess of the prospect of getting married, there is a lot of fear isn't there? I never, never, never factored fear into the equation. I always thought that the moment the man of my dreams proposes to me, everything will just sort of magically lead up to the big day. 

But I've found myself battling little bouts of fear. There are so many scenarios running through my head and I don't think I've ever felt more inadequate in my entire life. 

When I was in college, I was dead set on being a career woman. In a writing class, one of my classmates -- her name was Maggie -- revealed to the teacher that she wanted to be a housewife, and I marveled at her bravery. No one I knew had "housewife" as a life goal. It was just unheard of then. 

I myself, wanted to be a hard-hitting journalist or world-class travel writer. 

Now, ten years later, I marvel at the fact that Maggie had come to that realization so early in life. And I have only owned  up to it recently. I want to be a wife, and a mom. I want to cook for my husband, and homeschool my kids. 

I just don't know if I'll be any good at it. And that scares me more than anything. 

In these moments I have no other recourse but to turn to Him. I try to remember my favorite verses in the bible. And pray that He may make these true for me. 

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4:18 

Things To Let Go

Today as I waited for my flight back to Manila, Jotham and i talked. He told me that he had been re-evaluating our priorities for the wedding. For days, before our Boracay and Baguio trip, respectively, we had been stuck with how expensive everything in a wedding costs. Especially things like photo and video services. 

Jotham said, the focus of our wedding should be our story -- which is really a story of God moving in both our lives to make the relationship possible. 

So if things like the same-day-edit video don't contribute to that one main goal, then we can let it go. We should let it go. 

We will refuse to be bogged down by tiny details that will take our focus away from the main point of the wedding. 

To be honest, I am not on wedding-planning mode yet. The six days in the little island down south has separated me from my laptop, and all the frenzied wedding planning I had been doing on it. I had been starting to ready myself for a go at it again, but now, I just know. There are some things we can let go.