Joy In Waiting

Soon after I found out I was pregnant, we found out there was a bit of a chance that we could lose the baby. My ultrasound showed what is called a "subchorionic hemorrhage," which just means that a blood clot was seen  in my placenta.

I was advised to go on bed rest for two months, and it was the longest two months of my life -- not being able to go anywhere and do anything but read and watch TV. I always thought it was a slice of heaven to literally just lay in bed the whole day reading, surfing the net or watching movies. But it nearly drove me nuts. 

In any case, the bleeding stopped -- praise God -- and I was able to go on with my normal routines, pretty much my entire second trimester. But because of the early scare, I would secretly celebrate each week of my pregnancy with immense joy. I knew I could lose the baby any time, and each week that the baby was still growing in me, was a reason to celebrate. 

Now, I'm in the home stretch. Last Saturday marked my 37th week. And although full term is actually 39-40 weeks, I could technically give birth any day now, and the baby would be okay. 

And it is at this waiting time when I get rather impatient and despondent. I've again been limited in my activities, seeing as the baby can come any minute, and I spend time mostly at home since long drives and too much social activity are not advisable.

To be sure, I've tried to use my time as efficiently as I can while at home.  I'm done with most of the things I can do to prepare -- packed my hospital, baby, and overnight bag, washed all the baby clothes and paraphernalia, read and reviewed everything I can about labor and delivery. And now, all that's left to do is wait. 

And I really, really just want to get this over with, and see my baby finally. Nothing fits, nothing zips, I've started to plateau on weight gain, I want to eat sushi once more, I want to see my baby, I want to go out, have a normal waist line. 

In the midst of my impatience, tiredness and discontentment, I saw a post on our church's Facebook page for a free e-book from Pastor John Piper's website, desiringgod.org. The e-book's name? "Mom Enough"

It is a free, downloadable e-book compiling some very edifying articles about mommyhood and how to live a grace-filled life as a mother. One particular article caught my eye: "A Pregnant Woman's Defense Against The Schemes of the Devil."

The article detailed how a pregnant woman could arm herself with the full armor of God, as discussed in Ephesians against the devil's lies, and against temptation, in what is arguably, one of the most vulnerable seasons in her life.

Let me quote from the article:

"Pregnant ladies, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, when you ground your faith in God’s sovereign goodness as the basis for your contentment. I know it is hard to be content when you’re weary, when your heart is distracted with fear for your baby, and when your emotions careen out of control. But God’s power is more than adequate for these things; his immeasurable greatness of power can overwhelm every scheme the devil devises to steal your joy in God." ---Gloria Furman

I am grateful for edifying messages like this, that help take me out of my rut, that lift my eyes from all the inward, selfish wallowing that I've been doing, and just gaze at the fullness and contentment, and joy that I have in my Jesus Christ.

Right now is a time of waiting. Whether it be a few days, or a few weeks. But I trust in the Lord my God, whose timing is perfect. Never too early, never too late, always on time. 

"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God,so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." --Ephesians 6: 10-18

"From My Mother's Womb, You Have Been My God"

Today, I am 34 weeks and 4 days along in my first pregnancy. We are having a baby boy, and we have decided to name him Joshua Timothy.

Joshua -- because during our bible study class on books in the Old Testament, Jotham deeply admired the conviction and leadership of that man. Not only did he lead the Israelites into the promised land after Moses died, he also who went against the grain of how the Israelites thought and believed at that time.  He in fact, he reminded them of the importance of obedience to the Lord, and is remembered for his immortal words, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15).

As for the second name, Timothy, well the reason is two-fold. One, is that Timothy was a faithful young man, a protege of Paul in the New Testament, who was as zealous and passionate as Paul in spreading the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.

The second reason is decidedly more secular in nature -- my husband (and me, consequently by his influence), is a big fan of thee NBA player Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs. In fact, the NBA play-offs and finals season --  where the Spurs won it all in such a spectacular fashion -- was during the early months of my pregnancy. And we watched every single game, until they beat the Miami Heat 4-1.

In any case, I am now well into my third trimester, and have started to count down the days until I can finally get to hold Joshua in my arms. Truth be told, this waiting time has been full of trepidation and anxiety.

Especially when I think about what labor entails. I watch one or two Youtbe videos and I am overwhelmed by fear at what is about to happen to me! I sometimes look at my giant tummy and think to myself, "What have I gotten myself into?"

It's true, we attended a birthing class which taught us breathing exercises, and educated us on everything from labor, to pregnancy drugs, to diaper changing, to breastfeeding. We were also asked to write out our birth plan.

Jotham and I, we are deciding to do it the hard way haha. Which means, a vaginal birth, with no epidural. People look at my 6-footer husband, and my slim 5 foot frame and shake their heads in disbelief. My sister-in-law even has a 100 HKD bet with her husband that I'll be undergoing CS, no matter what.

To be honest, with all the naysayers left and right, I felt even more compelled to deliver our baby naturally, without drugs or an operation. But I think that's just my pride swelling up.

Aside from Jotham, only one person actually gave me full  support and encouragement that I could actually do this the normal way. And the way she framed her advise was from the perspective of God and the bible.

Kara Dexter is a Filipina married to an American, and they're both missionaries from John MacArthur's Grace Community Church in California. She had delivered her first baby Titus -- all eight pounds of him -- without an epidural. She just recently gave birth to her second son, Kenan Alexander, but this time, the Lord saw it fit that an epidural was needed.

Nevertheless, she wrote to me and gave such wonderful, biblical advise on my upcoming labor and delivery.

"God created your body to do this! Each of us may have different experiences and stories, but GOD IS SOVEREIGN and He already knows what exactly is going to happen during your labor and delivery. TRUST in HIM alone, not your OB, nor your own body to do it. Do not feel bad if you get the epidural or a Cesarean or any unpredicted outcome. God is perfect in all His ways and timing, and His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Since you shared with me that you wanted a normal birth experience, oh I am with you sister and I will pray for you each step of the way! It has been one of the greatest, precious, and unforgettable moments of my life. Here's my advice to you to sum it all: 

Take labor each step, one step, one breath, and minute at a time. Yes it will be painful, as stated in Genesis 3:16, but remember that every ounce of pain is a good pain because beautiful Joshua awaits at the other end! 

When I was delivering Titus in 2012, I meditated on Philippians 2:3-4. I placed Titus' interest above my own. It was his birthday -- not my day. I was concentrating more on him, how he was doing than focusing on my own self, suffering and discomfort. Christ was our greatest example (verse 5)."

What a perspective! Even this labor and delivery thing, with so much focus on the pain and suffering of the mother, is not really about her! It's about God and his glory. And how wonderful that Christ gave the perfect example on the cross, CHOOSING to suffer, just thinking about the new birth that his act of sacrifice will make possible.

So Lord, whatever happens, may You be the one glorified in my birthing story.

"No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." --Joshua 1: 5