A God For All Seasons

Thursday Inspiration: Post #1

It was a very difficult time for us last year when we were experiencing health problems one after the other. Both Jotham and I were in and out of the hospital for different tests and treatments, and the strain was taking a toll on our relationship and ultimately, in our faith in the Lord.

It was during one particular car ride home after some worrying test results that we heard the words from the song "In the Valley." 

The song goes...

"When you lead me to the valley of vision 

I can see you in the heights

And though my humbling wouldn't be my decision

It's here your glory shines so bright

So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown 

To be low is to be high

That the valley's where you make me more like Christ"

Based on the Puritan prayer, "The Valley of Vision," the song speaks of the distance between sinful man and his holy God and how -- when we are in the depths of despair, God in His grace and mercy shines brightest in our lives. It is in the valley where He makes us more and more like him. 

It made me realize that even in trials, there is reason to rejoice. As Romans 5 says, "More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

God is still God in every season in my life -- the good and the bad. Even in the valley of sickness and uncertainty, in the season of waiting and unanswered prayers -- there is always a reason to sing and to worship. 

30 Weeks Pregnant With Twins

Pregnancy Log

"Tita, my dad says you swallowed a basketball," 8-year old Ava told me after Church last Sunday.

Yup, pretty much. Starting around my 28th week with the twins,  I started noticing that people were staring more and more at my belly.  There were also shocked reactions from my OB, my Church friends, and my family.Not to mention, comments such as Ava's

A common thread running through all these reactions is that look or tone of concern that my belly is too big for me. I can see them feeling pained just by looking at me.

Haha. I've not really looked at a mirror in days, so I don't know what they're seeing. So I decided to take a picture for posterity.

What I have been keeping track of are stats and symptoms.

Week 30

Weight Gain: 24 pounds

Symptoms: Occasional leg cramps, pain in my pelvic area, acid reflux, itchy belly, sleepless nights. I can't reach my toes anymore (is that considered a symptom?)

Stretch marks: None. Same as in my first pregnancy, but several did appear postpartum.

What I Look Like: Refer to little Ava's comment above.

Purchases: A hair highlighter because I'm not allowed to the salon for touch-ups.   And a double stroller from City Jogger. She is quite bulky, but a real beauty. We got it for a steal from a seller in the expat community in Hong Kong, thanks to my sister-in-law who is based there.

Products: Mustela Anti-Stretch mark cream on my belly.

Doctor's Orders: Drink water every hour. Take Isoxilan. Stop walking (waddling more like)  around so much. 

Joshua's First Day At Playgroup

Tuesdays With Joshua: Post # 1

Today is Joshua's first day in playgroup.

It has not been exactly easy to leave him by himself with a bunch of kids. With his cousins -- no problem. But in our church's Sunday school, he would cry relentlessly.

So last night and this morning, I sat him down and told him that he will be going to the home of his Sunday school teacher, and that he will play, learn, and eat there. He just looked at me.

This morning when we dropped him off -- surprise, surprise -- he immediately reached out to Teacher Shirley. And in no time at all, he was playing with a yellow bus with another toddler. So far, so good.

Jotham and I sneaked out of the house when  he wasn't looking.

So now I have three hours, three times a week all to myself.

UPDATE:

Joshua's playgroup teacher called me up later during the day. She said that my son

1) Did not cry

2) Participated in all their activities (flag ceremony, singing, circle time, etc)

3) Was "curious" and "exploratory"

4) Followed instructions well

5) Compliant when reminded to obey

(cue that Prince of Egypt song: "There can be miracles, when you believe...")

Though I was saying, "Wow!" and "Thank God!" during our whole conversation, what I really wanted to say was, "Are you sure we're talking about the right kid?"

Haha. At home he is quite a handful. He throws things and tantrums. Ignores me when I call him. Cries inconsolably. I've often described him as a "difficult baby."

I am often frustrated and discouraged. I've been trying to be a faithful parent -- reading bible-based books on parenting and raising children. Of course, I've failed soooo many times in this, choosing to be angry, emotional, or lazy instead.

And I worry that because of these parenting mistakes my son will turn out to be a self-entitled brat, or a hardhearted rebel.

But here comes his teacher telling me that there is some evidence of Joshua being obedient, mindful, and respectful.

My only conclusion is that clearly, clearly, clearly: this is God's grace at work.

Things I Am Grateful For

Happy Monday: Post # 1

I was writing an article for a newlyweds website, and the topic was "How To Have A More Positive Mindset." One of the recurring themes in the research I gathered was this: grateful people are more positive.

People who really know me will say that I am emotional and quite a bit of a Debbie Downer. That was all well and fine when I was young. I was single, a writer, and had all the time in the world to wallow in my misery.

But not now. I don't want Josh and the twins growing up with a moody mom. So I thought, it would be a good exercise to practice gratefulness.

I decided to do it on the day of the week when I would need it most: Mondays.

So here goes, my first list of things I am grateful for.:

1. Spending Sunday with my husband's family for lunch, and my side of the family for dinner.

2. Good results from my recent ultrasound. The twins are well and weigh about three pounds each.

3. Josh will start attending a playgroup headed by his Sunday school teacher tomorrow. A win-win situation, really. He'll get to interact with other kids, while I'll have time to write my articles.

4. A breakthrough in my husband's work.

5. The Viber group composed of my college friends. A safe place to share, rant, encourage, and just generally keep up with each other's lives.

6. The food venture we invested in -- Ta Ke Ho Me sushi stand is doing really, really well.

7. Free avocados from my mother-in-law. I love avocados.

8. Being able to finish the series "Stranger Things," because Netflix gives a free one month subscription.

9. Freelance work in an ad agency that pays generously.

10. My sister-in-law sending over baby stuff that will be very, very useful when the twins arrive. 

Warning To My Young, Childless Self

While I was still pregnant with Joshua, I naively thought that I would really, really enjoy motherhood. Sure it would be hard, but having a cute little baby to cuddle would make it all worth it. 

In many ways, that was true. One giggle from Josh and all the weariness would dissipate. But what I didn't anticipate -- what no one can really anticipate -- was just how hard it was going to be. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, existentially. 

I remember that line from that Coldplay song. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard." 

Yup. Motherhood is by far the most difficult thing I've had to face. And if I were to warn my young, naive, clueless, childless self, here's what I would have told her: 

You will get pooped and peed on.

In our experience, it was a projectile poop that we were able to dodge, which sprayed all over the side of the crib and the floor.

If you're a breastfeeding mom, you will fall asleep with one boob out, at least once.

Especially in the first couple of weeks, when you still feel achy and sore from labor and delivery, you'll easily fall asleep feeding the baby. I can be the most self-conscious person in the world but that didn't prevent me from dozing off while in my in-laws' car, with my right breast exposed in front of God and everyone else.

You will fight with your husband.

Because he has that innate ability to sleep through the baby's worst wailing. And he doesn't seem to instinctively get the kind of help/support/food/words of affirmation that you need.

You will go (at least) one day without taking a bath or brushing your teeth.

There were days when my baby was so fussy, that I lived like a cave woman, and completely forget basic hygiene.

You will cry.

It may be a late night sniffle by yourself, or a full-on emotional breakdown on your husband's shoulder. Whatever it is, trust me, the hormones (and everything else), will soon get the better of you.

You will experience a whole new level of appreciation for your own mom.

My mom survived five kids. I could barely keep up with one.

You will obsessively Google every single thing that your baby is doing, in an effort to make sure you're keeping him or her alive.

WebMD, Baby Center, Parents.com, Mayo Clinic.The works. 

You will compare yourself with other moms.

There were days when I was 100 percent certain that I was the worst mom in the entire world. That I was not meant to be a mom, and this was all a mistake, because how come every other breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping mom, seemed to have it all together?

You will wish for a day off, but find yourself wistful for your baby.

On Joshua's first year, all I ever wanted was to have a whole night to myself. It didn't matter whether I spent it sleeping, or reading. Or being out with my husband -- preferably drinking wine and having a great fancy dinner -- I just wanted to get out of my "pambahay" and away from incessant crying, and dirty diapers.

One night, I got my wish. My husband and I attended a dinner at a fancy French hotel when Josh was three months old. I felt human again. Haha. 

But then "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" (Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole version, of course :)) started playing, and before long I found myself thinking of Josh because of the wistfulness of the lyrics.

Then I started to cry and wish I was home holding him. I had turned into a complete basketcase.

And it was all because of a fussy, whiny, projectile-pooping, booby-biting little baby, and how he had wormed his way into my heart. 

With him -- sleep deprivation, post-pregnancy flabs and stretchmarks, and a constant re-evaluation of my sanity.Without him -- a nameless ache that nothing in the world can ever fill.