Warning To My Young, Childless Self

While I was still pregnant with Joshua, I naively thought that I would really, really enjoy motherhood. Sure it would be hard, but having a cute little baby to cuddle would make it all worth it. 

In many ways, that was true. One giggle from Josh and all the weariness would dissipate. But what I didn't anticipate -- what no one can really anticipate -- was just how hard it was going to be. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, existentially. 

I remember that line from that Coldplay song. "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard." 

Yup. Motherhood is by far the most difficult thing I've had to face. And if I were to warn my young, naive, clueless, childless self, here's what I would have told her: 

You will get pooped and peed on.

In our experience, it was a projectile poop that we were able to dodge, which sprayed all over the side of the crib and the floor.

If you're a breastfeeding mom, you will fall asleep with one boob out, at least once.

Especially in the first couple of weeks, when you still feel achy and sore from labor and delivery, you'll easily fall asleep feeding the baby. I can be the most self-conscious person in the world but that didn't prevent me from dozing off while in my in-laws' car, with my right breast exposed in front of God and everyone else.

You will fight with your husband.

Because he has that innate ability to sleep through the baby's worst wailing. And he doesn't seem to instinctively get the kind of help/support/food/words of affirmation that you need.

You will go (at least) one day without taking a bath or brushing your teeth.

There were days when my baby was so fussy, that I lived like a cave woman, and completely forget basic hygiene.

You will cry.

It may be a late night sniffle by yourself, or a full-on emotional breakdown on your husband's shoulder. Whatever it is, trust me, the hormones (and everything else), will soon get the better of you.

You will experience a whole new level of appreciation for your own mom.

My mom survived five kids. I could barely keep up with one.

You will obsessively Google every single thing that your baby is doing, in an effort to make sure you're keeping him or her alive.

WebMD, Baby Center, Parents.com, Mayo Clinic.The works. 

You will compare yourself with other moms.

There were days when I was 100 percent certain that I was the worst mom in the entire world. That I was not meant to be a mom, and this was all a mistake, because how come every other breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping mom, seemed to have it all together?

You will wish for a day off, but find yourself wistful for your baby.

On Joshua's first year, all I ever wanted was to have a whole night to myself. It didn't matter whether I spent it sleeping, or reading. Or being out with my husband -- preferably drinking wine and having a great fancy dinner -- I just wanted to get out of my "pambahay" and away from incessant crying, and dirty diapers.

One night, I got my wish. My husband and I attended a dinner at a fancy French hotel when Josh was three months old. I felt human again. Haha. 

But then "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" (Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole version, of course :)) started playing, and before long I found myself thinking of Josh because of the wistfulness of the lyrics.

Then I started to cry and wish I was home holding him. I had turned into a complete basketcase.

And it was all because of a fussy, whiny, projectile-pooping, booby-biting little baby, and how he had wormed his way into my heart. 

With him -- sleep deprivation, post-pregnancy flabs and stretchmarks, and a constant re-evaluation of my sanity.Without him -- a nameless ache that nothing in the world can ever fill.